Thanksgiving Predictions For the Signs

Happy Thanksgiving!

Even though I’m an Upstate New York boy by heart, I have gotten used to Thanksgiving in South Florida. This year, however, we’re all once again in New York State to have Thanksgiving at my oldest’s sons and his wife’s farmhouse. It’s a real blast of the past for me, watching my grandkids trudge through the snow to bring in the apples and maple syrup from the barn. My wife has never loved the cold, and truthfully, we’ve acclimated to Florida, but I do miss a fresh apple pie and acorn squash on the table, as well as a crackling fireplace and a blanket of snow on the ground.

And yes, we’re freezing nonetheless and bundled in layers, but it’s wonderful.

What’s in store for you this holiday?

In the spirit of the holiday, and because I’m about to fall into what is known as a food coma, here are your Thanksgiving astrological predictions:

Aries: After dinner, you will challenge your grandmother to an arm wrestling match and lose.

Taurus: Everyone will wonder where are the mashed potatoes went and will eye you with suspicion, but you won’t budge.

Gemini: You will have too much to drink and end up in a very intimate conversation with that guest that no one is quite sure who brought them.

Cancer: After you have cooked everything and fed everyone, you insist that they all stay to help you decorate the house for Christmas.

Leo: Everyone around the Thanksgiving table loves it when you keep telling that same story about yourself from twenty years ago. No, really.

Virgo: It’s wonderful that you brought the Pepto-Bismol and Alka-Seltzer, but that’s not exactly what they meant when they asked for a “dish to pass.”

Libra: Your inability to choose among all the choices at the table means that it was a good idea for Virgo to bring the Pepto-Bismol and the Alka-Seltzer.

Scorpio: We know that you don’t trust anyone’s cooking but your own, but if you get food poisoning, it’s likely accidental. Likely.

Sagittarius: Food, feasting, and celebration! You’re going to eat too much, get too drunk, and make a mess like you do every year, but at least you’re funny when you do.

Capricorn: Everyone know that without you, this wouldn’t be possible, or classy, and no one would be able to keep Sagittarius and Aquarius in line.

Aquarius: If we can count on anyone to bring up religion or politics at the dinner table and start a fight, it’s you. You better apologize to Capricorn at some point soon.

Pisces: When you go around the room asking what you’re thankful for, it’s not meant to make you cry, whether it’s tears of joy or self-pity.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

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